dreaming

When I set out to become a Waldorf class teacher, I had a vision of the place, the children, the colleagues and the way I would be operating in all of it. After three years of teaching it has become clear that to manifest that vision will require a physical move of many hundreds of miles. The Wizard and I are busy putting one foot in front of the other to make our dream come true.

Sometimes I cannot believe how blessed I am. Three years ago I enrolled one of my children at our Waldorf School, very part time. By the following summer I was able to send both children and I had a job there, allowing me to gain experience and send my children where they needed to be. A number of friends pointed out to me how setting my intention was so hugely important in making a dream become reality.

The dream has shifted. I've been lucky to have been given the opportunity to learn for three years. I have my own classroom to develop my skills, but I've also been able to observe, substitute and student teach with a number of really gifted Waldorf teachers. Through artistic work I have learned to open my heart and receive the insights I need to support a group of children through their eight years. I am now less sure of my skills but more aware of my center; a humbling experience. At this time it feels like I need to take the plunge.

I have recently had the opportunity to apply for a job at my dream school (I won't hear back for a few weeks yet), two other schools in consideration have posted jobs, and I've landed an internship with two of the best teachers I know, all after a season of seeing things fall through. Once again my friends tell me that my determination is helping me put into place what my family needs. I chose to see it as a gift.

The biggest gift however has been visiting another school and learning that freed from the circumstances I now work under, I am able to truly find my center and connect with a multitude of children and adults on a level that feels carried from the outside. So as I go into Advent and the meditations of the Holy Nights, I focus my vision on achieving my dream: a position at a particular school in a specific caring community, in a geographic location that The Wizard and I have always felt as a healing tonic for our family. I hope to see my dream become manifest, for finding another dream will be a huge challenge. But I know that the universe has a plan and will reveal it all when the time is right. It is an exciting time and it's a little scary, but more than anything there is enormous gratitude for having this chance to dream.

identity struggles

When I began this blog, I wanted it to be focused on my inner journey as I go along this path of teacher training. What I have found is that I struggle to relate my experiences, particularly as they involve my work. So often I find myself wanting to post something but feeling that this may not be professional or in service of the children, and I stay silent. I need to think on the direction of this blog more, but in the meantime I will probably post more updates about the kids and other goings on.

In the last month, we graduated a class of seniors, had a wonderful 8th Grade commencement ceremony, moved the classes into their new rooms, finished up end of year meetings, and wrote reports. Now I have switched hats again, being full time at home with the children (except for the occasional meeting) and preparing to go for teacher training oh so very soon. I struggle to balance all these parts of my life, but I'm keeping my preparation work to early mornings, times when the kids won't miss me, and evenings. It will have to be enough.

The Hobbit turned seven a couple of weeks ago. A few days before her birthday she looked at me and said thoughtfully: "You know mom, I'm really not such a little girl anymore. I'm getting to be quite big." Yes, you are! And yet you are always my baby. Two years ago I was told by a Native American Elder that if she lived to be seven (given her many health issues), it meant that her soul wanted to stay here a good long while. I sure hope so. We are so blessed to have her in our lives. She has quite a strong (choleric) personality and lives life fully. Whether she paints, plays a game, bats at a ball or swings from the monkey bars, she is fully engaged in what she is doing, and always up for a new adventure. Life with the hobbit has been very unpredictable, but she has brought so much joy into our lives as well. Yes, maybe I should write more about my family.

this post has made my week

I think we can all use a little reminder of it once in a while:

Enjoy one of my all time favorite posts from here

books and love and gratitude

I am currently reading Henning Köhler's Difficult Children - there is no such thing. In the book, he explores (among other things) how our society and educational establishment today deal with children who fall outside the "norm" of behavior. In Chapter 6, Köhler talks about the debate of what is causing these differently wired children, and how it affects the way we view children. He addresses what the impulse of childhood means for our society today, and how we need to artistically help children find their way to who they are and what their mission is in this life. The sentence that sums it all up for me states:

"Wherever I do not approach the child by way of confirming his existence, I permit the feeling within me that he should not be allowed to exist the way he does, that, therefore, he ought to exist in a different way." He continues: "In so doing, I ruin his fundamental bodily security and reinforce the experiences of alienation... Wherever I do not summon an encouraging attitude, I lack confidence in the child's autonomous forces of development, and thereby undermine his sense of self-esteem, causing in him an underlying feeling of failure."

As the mother of a "difficult" child, this is deep food for thought. The question that arises is how do I identify the needs of a child who does not behave like most other children? When am I doing more harm and sending the message that my child ought to be different and when am I truly helpful? With all the dietary changes, supplementation etc. to address sensory issues and anxiety, not to mention all the physical, occupational and play therapy, am I ultimately helping the child become more "functional" in this world, or am I causing some level of harm? What is the price my child pays for all the good natured "behavior modifications" that have been drilled into us?

The answer of course is difficult. But I have tools: meditation, prayer, intuition. I usually know what is helping and what is hurting my child, which therapist is truly embracing who she is and which one is trying to "whip her into shape." Köhler speaks of "levels of love" that begin with a deep affirmation of the child's true nature deep within ourselves. Love as medicine, the most fundamental of all human truths.

I used to have a lot of trouble with this love. It was hard to love an infant who never seemed to sleep and spent most of her waking hours screaming and needing to be held. I always loved my child on some level, but there were periods of time when I didn't really like her, for she was so very hard to parent. I do see the effects of some of my feelings about her back then even today. But my child has taught me how to love her for who she is. One of the most effective therapies for both of us has been music therapy, in which we quickly learned how her intense noise sensitivity could blossom into a musical gift. Because so often we forget, don't we, that many of the behavioral "differences" we see in our children are the double of some deep and often hidden gift. Today, my "difficult" child (and she still has many challenges just to get through the day) is able to bring some of her gifts to the world. Her sweetness is healing to her teacher (and her mother!), her loving friendship supports a few other children (and adults) deeply, and her higher being shines through in so many ways every day that it is impossible not to see the spiritual being she is. She is a creator of beautiful artwork, and a loving sister. She deeply understands people and is an incredible listener.

In the end, I feel that Köhler is presenting me with a choice: do I want to see the "difficult" part of my child and focus merely on her less desirable behaviors, or do I want to affirm who my child is, and that these behaviors are caused by deep sensitivities, which can reveal a rare gift. I am so greatful that I have learned over time to affirm and let love shine a light on who this child really is.

Choices

Often I am not aware just how many of my feelings, views and reactions are a matter of choice. Today I have chosen:
- to take a nap instead of continuing to feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do;
- to laugh at Elf's knock-knock jokes for probably the 100th time;
- to spend time reading Steiner's Philosophy of Freedom;
- to accept that I probably won't get all of it this time;
- to forego an unhealthy food choice and have tea instead;
- to clean up other people's messes without grumbling;
- to let the Wizard be in charge of Thanksgiving - it's better for everyone this way;
- to spend a few minutes with the children without thinking about my to do list;
- to stop on my way to the basement to scratch my dog's ears;
- to remember my friend J. by trying hard to bring more kindness into my life.

I hope you had a lovely weekend with lots of goodness to choose from!