one step forward

Things can turn on a dime, change in an instant. A few weeks ago I flew into a small town to visit a school. It was raining, gray and uninviting. I didn't much like the town and told the Wizard that night that I wanted to get on the next plane home so I could spend the break with my children. The next day came and I got to meet the school, and I fell in love with it. Now, almost a month later, our whole family is going back so my children and I can meet our new classes and the Wizard can scope out housing.

Every day more people in our community learn that we are leaving, and it truly feels bittersweet. While we have lamented not having close friends where we have been for 12 years, we do nevertheless have a community here that has supported us during the last three years. Add to that the overwhelm of getting and having a house on the market and all that two jobs and a 45 minute commute entail, and you have the right ingredients to something looking more like a pity party than a celebration. It is at these times that I wish our families were closer, because once again the Wizard and I are doing it all alone, and it's a bit more than we can both comfortably handle. But happily, in a few more months we will be able to settle into the future and live with the knowledge that our children will get to grow up in a small town. And that has to be worth it.

life continues to be mysterious

Happy Spring - almost. After a very long and harsh winter for our latitude, the temperatures have risen and the flowers are starting to grow. As we breathe out into the garden for the first time in many months, we still find ourselves at a crossroads. Much learning has ensued, life isn't necessarily any more clear though.

I began the process of my job search in October, interviewed with what was my dream school, and then progressively learned that things aren't always what they seem. Politics and such are present in the most polished looking organization (perhaps especially there) and priorities shift. At this point I'm not closer to having a job but I know much more of what is really important to me and the family.

So the search continues. I visited one school that felt like "the place" for me, and all looked most excellent until a more senior teacher expressed interest in the position and I was asked to contact them again next year. So the question is whether I should keep looking elsewhere, or wait until something opens up in the community we have longed to be a part of for 15 years.

I continue to explore to find out. More meetings set up in a couple of weeks, meaning more time away from my family. It can be stressful being in the middle of these life changes and not knowing what the future brings, but in the meantime we remember that it's all good. We have so many options, and none of them are bad. Some of them are much preferred, but while we all get to dream we don't always get to determine the timeline in which our dreams come true. Things that are really worthwhile, are also worth waiting for. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

dreaming

When I set out to become a Waldorf class teacher, I had a vision of the place, the children, the colleagues and the way I would be operating in all of it. After three years of teaching it has become clear that to manifest that vision will require a physical move of many hundreds of miles. The Wizard and I are busy putting one foot in front of the other to make our dream come true.

Sometimes I cannot believe how blessed I am. Three years ago I enrolled one of my children at our Waldorf School, very part time. By the following summer I was able to send both children and I had a job there, allowing me to gain experience and send my children where they needed to be. A number of friends pointed out to me how setting my intention was so hugely important in making a dream become reality.

The dream has shifted. I've been lucky to have been given the opportunity to learn for three years. I have my own classroom to develop my skills, but I've also been able to observe, substitute and student teach with a number of really gifted Waldorf teachers. Through artistic work I have learned to open my heart and receive the insights I need to support a group of children through their eight years. I am now less sure of my skills but more aware of my center; a humbling experience. At this time it feels like I need to take the plunge.

I have recently had the opportunity to apply for a job at my dream school (I won't hear back for a few weeks yet), two other schools in consideration have posted jobs, and I've landed an internship with two of the best teachers I know, all after a season of seeing things fall through. Once again my friends tell me that my determination is helping me put into place what my family needs. I chose to see it as a gift.

The biggest gift however has been visiting another school and learning that freed from the circumstances I now work under, I am able to truly find my center and connect with a multitude of children and adults on a level that feels carried from the outside. So as I go into Advent and the meditations of the Holy Nights, I focus my vision on achieving my dream: a position at a particular school in a specific caring community, in a geographic location that The Wizard and I have always felt as a healing tonic for our family. I hope to see my dream become manifest, for finding another dream will be a huge challenge. But I know that the universe has a plan and will reveal it all when the time is right. It is an exciting time and it's a little scary, but more than anything there is enormous gratitude for having this chance to dream.

dearly departed

Feel the way we look up lovingly
To the heights that are now calling
You to different tasks from life on earth
Give to all your friends you left here
Of your strength from spirit spheres.

Listen to our souls' beseeching
That now intimateley asks you:
For our work on earth we require
Forces strong from spirit lands
That our friends now dead can give us.

'tis a hope that makes us joyful,
'tis a loss that hurts us deeply;
Let us hope that you, now farnear,
Never lost, our life may brighten
As a soul-star in the spirit realms.

Translation of Rudolf Steiner verse by P. Hoffmann

Fair

With the Wizard away all day today, the kids and I went to our first ever county fair. We are now hooked and the children have been talking about what animals they're going to raise on their (hypothetical) farm. I'm so pleased that they had such a good time, I really didn't know going in how they would like it. We started our day looking at enormous sunflowers and other produce, and then we were able to help a man with his (antique) cider press. The Elf could have stayed right there for about 3 hours, chopping and pressing apples. But we did eventually move on and visited the chickens and rabbits in what is surely the loudest barn at the fair. We took lots of pictures of pretty birds. All of us so want to raise chickens, but that will require a move as in our county you have to own two acres of land to raise poultry, and we sure don't.

When we were able to say goodbye to the beautiful angora rabbits (of course we'll be raising those too, one day), we found our way to an area where a lady was spinning up alpaca. We talked spinning for a while and she showed us how to ply the yarn (easy with a spinning wheel, I wonder how it's possible without one?). From there we meandered into the "maternity barn" and happened upon a massive sow in labor. We watched one of the piglets emerge, and afterwards the Hobbit was quite adamant that there was no way she was born in any way resembling what she had just seen. So that was an interesting conversation. The Elf, true to her melancholic nature just stated that she didn't think it was fair to the sow to have to give birth surrounded by so many people and noise.

Following this amazing experience, we made our way over to the rides where we had to look at absolutely everything and have an ice cream cone before the girls could decide what to go on. They each tried out one ride, but the best choice was the Ferris Wheel which we all enjoyed. From up high we were able to watch the horse show. Lots of beautiful draft horses and wagons. As soon as our feet touched the ground we ran over there to watch some of the competition, which was fascinating.

So we had an eventful day with lots of new impressions to digest. I am sure I will be hearing from the Hobbit's teacher about the classroom discussions that will surely ensue from her witnessing a birth. As for the Elf, she cannot wait until she can raise her own chickens and rabbits, and maybe a cow, and of course horses and.... big plans are being made!

the end of summer

It turns out our last few days of summer are rainy and gray, perfect weather to organize the house for the return to school. My workspace is almost ready, the children are excited and terrified, and I have collected binders full of materials for the year and am close to done with my planning.

The summer has been so full. There was teacher training, vacation, a death in the family, house projects, a few outings to the pool and other fun places, much time together just playing and cooking and being.

This schoolyear promises lots of transitions. The Hobbit starts First Grade and our family will be working to sell our house. If all works out, we will be relocating to a beautiful part of the country within the next year, where new opportunities and friends await. It is so very exciting and overwhelming at the same time. There are many things to be done, planned and dreamt between now and then. Of course there are also jobs to be done well, chores to be completed, children to be raised and animals to be cared for. A busy year indeed and I wouldn't have it any other way - at least not right now!

identity struggles

When I began this blog, I wanted it to be focused on my inner journey as I go along this path of teacher training. What I have found is that I struggle to relate my experiences, particularly as they involve my work. So often I find myself wanting to post something but feeling that this may not be professional or in service of the children, and I stay silent. I need to think on the direction of this blog more, but in the meantime I will probably post more updates about the kids and other goings on.

In the last month, we graduated a class of seniors, had a wonderful 8th Grade commencement ceremony, moved the classes into their new rooms, finished up end of year meetings, and wrote reports. Now I have switched hats again, being full time at home with the children (except for the occasional meeting) and preparing to go for teacher training oh so very soon. I struggle to balance all these parts of my life, but I'm keeping my preparation work to early mornings, times when the kids won't miss me, and evenings. It will have to be enough.

The Hobbit turned seven a couple of weeks ago. A few days before her birthday she looked at me and said thoughtfully: "You know mom, I'm really not such a little girl anymore. I'm getting to be quite big." Yes, you are! And yet you are always my baby. Two years ago I was told by a Native American Elder that if she lived to be seven (given her many health issues), it meant that her soul wanted to stay here a good long while. I sure hope so. We are so blessed to have her in our lives. She has quite a strong (choleric) personality and lives life fully. Whether she paints, plays a game, bats at a ball or swings from the monkey bars, she is fully engaged in what she is doing, and always up for a new adventure. Life with the hobbit has been very unpredictable, but she has brought so much joy into our lives as well. Yes, maybe I should write more about my family.